No Hero
by Ice Cold Absolution
Summary: Harry wants to stop being a false idol.


Title: No Hero  
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, sadly. They belong to JK Rowling.  
Warnings: Suicide

Its all my fault, they died and its all because of me, I may as well have ripped out their hearts myself and laughed as they drowned in a pool of their own blood. It was all my incompetence, my idiocy, disregarding their resolute loyalty and not stopping to think anything through. If I had been better, smarted, faster, stronger they would all still be alive, if I could just have been what they expected of me, if I could have been the hero they saw every time they looked at me then they would not have died. If I had died first, when I was supposed to, never creating this hero persona that they all believed then the ones I loved would have been safe rather than diving head first into danger to help me, to allow me to fulfil my prophesy and be the rescuer of light, the fucking carrier of good sent down to save them all, while they died for me.

Everyone around me is sucked into the void of my never-ending curse, they are hurt as a punishment for loving me as I am so inadequate, because I can never be what they want me to be, what they needed me to be so badly that they would sacrifice themselves to let me carry on pretending to be what I am not, a saviour. I cannot fight alone because I am not the all-powerful redeemer but I refuse to let even more fall into oblivion because I am weak and living a crumbling lie. I should have known, should have seen beneath the façade, if I had just worked harder then I would not have been fooled. A stupid child mistake with very adult consequences, and still as just a child I must deal with these consequences, I have no time to grow up. I was too foolish, too thoughtless and too goddamn brave to even wait and verify it, I just had to run off to the rescue, hoping to finally live up to my own name and save Sirius, all the while just leaving him to chase after me, chase me to his death. The beginning of a chain of hopeless death after hopeless death, all piling upon me, asphyxiation becoming part of my life, so many dead and yet I am still impervious to the reaper, perhaps because I am.

They all died to save the ideal of me, to get me to the final battle, which they were so sure I would win, but if they realised who I really was then they would not have wasted their lives so. I wish I could be their saviour, but I am just a weak, scared child who is paying for my life with the death of all around me. I am nothing but a curse who ended up symbolising everything they had all hoped and prayed for. But how can I symbolise faith and hope for others when I have none for myself? I have tried to see the light, tried to strive for everything that I am seen to be, but I do not have the hidden power that they all seem to think I have, I am not special or godly, I am just a stupid child whose only talents are getting loved ones killed and not dying myself. Coming so tantalisingly close to the eternal rest but always having it snatched away by my seeming immortality.

I refuse to believe in the prophecy because to do so is to believe that there is no hope to save the wizarding world from the crushing defeat and the hands of the dark. I cannot stop Voldemort, I have tied so hard but he is just too powerful and I am just a stupid child, but without the prophecy then other people could kill him, real hero's who deserve the adulation. If they keep risking their lives to save me then they can never stop him. I cannot let this carry on, if the people I love always die then I must stop loving, must stop feeling anything.

I shrugged on a coat of apathy and hoped that it would protect then from trying to help me. I cannot let anyone got close to me, cannot let them get attached for fear that they will forgo their life to let me continue being a false idol. But they just didn't understand, they didn't see what I was trying to do, didn't see that it was for their safety. They refused to let me slip away and refused to stop caring about me so I have to finish this totally.

If they insist of running into death before me then I must get there before them, I have to win this race. I cannot leave them with someone other than themselves to save; they have to value their own lives more than anyone else's, so I have to take away their higher cause.

I can survive Arvada Kervada. Lets see me survive a bullet to the brain.


End file.
